Searching for Understanding

I have been doing a lot of catching up lately when it comes to my blog but one of the things on my mind has been the importance that everyone has in being understood.  At times I will consider myself a good listener and that I shouldn't be worrying myself but then I realize that the reason why I get so stressed out or feel like I still need to talk things out is because I don't think I was really understood.  I want to make sure people understand my reasons and my motivation.  It is for this same reason why my mom and other women don't like it when in conversations we as men can "listen" without really paying attention and then parrot back details.  Women really want to be understood and not fixed.  They want someone to listen and they are not always asking for advice.

When we are in conflict, I sometimes loose focus on the issue and start worrying more about explaining my side and trying to make someone understand where I am coming from.  I am in all reality trying to justify my actions up to this point.  And when we are justifying things, we have gotten to the point where we stop choosing to do what we knew or felt was right and we started thinking of people as objects.  When I start comparing myself, people can't be compared unless we are looking at some sort of status symbol or statistic.  I can't ignore some one's plea unless I can justify myself by thinking I am better or worse than someone else.  In those moments I am pitting themselves or even the world against me and my pride has gotten the better of me.  There is also the idea that I deserve something or I want to be seen as something.  Again, these paradigms are all about me and I treat people as either obstacles or tools to help me get where I want to be.  And whenever I try to justify myself in these ways, the behaviors or actions that I am opposing I actually encourage the very things I do not want.

If I want peace and understanding then I need to remember the people I am working with.  I can not classify or discriminate.  I can not group or disassociate their needs as people as obstacles for my own success.  Happiness does not come by things and if I want to encourage others to treat me as a real person and respect me, then many times I need to be the bigger man and do the same for them even when it is not being reciprocated.  However, treating them as people does not mean that I need to condone actions that I oppose or even to stand by and do nothing.  My heart just needs to continually be at peace with them and see them as people.  If I look to understand them then I can make peace with them.  From the poem, "Invictus," we can see how the human heart looks to be a free spirit and so by trying to conquer the unconquerable soul we will fail and create more strife than good.

Not too long ago, I made the very mistake I am describing.  I classified an individual based on what others had told me.  I had judged him.  And when I spoke poorly of him that eventually got back to him as it always does through the grapevine and there was a lot of exaggeration and a lot of things were miscommunicated and taken to an extreme.  So in order to try to repair some of the damage I went and talked to him and apologized to him in person.  It was hard and I got cussed out for a decent length of time.  Some of the things I was chewed out for where merely a chance for him to release emotions and feelings he had pent up for some time that had nothing to do with me but in the end, there was a bit that I definitely did deserve.  But in the end, I feel like we were able to replace feelings of disregard and contempt with ones of understanding and respect.  I definitely made a serious mistake.  You don't understand a person unless you are willing and able to get to know them a bit.  The only reason you don't love someone is because you haven't gotten to know them at all.  I guess what I am trying to put out there is we all have a need to be understood as well as having a need to be loved.  The only way to overcome our issues is to be willing to do both to some degree and sometimes this comes in the form of an apology and forgiveness.

Recognizing the Dirtballs

I have the type of personality where people trust me.  I am willing to listen and I do my best to love the people around me.  Sometimes I like to refer to it as developing a Dr. Phil Relationship.  I am the person that people like to talk to.  And to be perfectly honest, it can be frustrating at times.  It gets frustrating because there is always a pattern.  I hear about the girls who will not commit to guys with good intentions and I hear about the wrong kind of guys who enjoy using women.  Needless to say, I decided one day to express my frustration through Facebook by sharing some of the patterns that women can look for when it comes to recognizing a dirtball:

"If you want to know if he is the WRONG GUY...

"If it was quick to a PASSIONATE KISS then he wasn't playing on sticking around. If he DOESN'T PLAN then to him you weren't worth the time or it might simply not be one of his habits so good luck with goals or anything long term. If he can only compliment you on YOUR LOOKS, I like the way some of my suits look on me and they are only an object too. And lastly, don't buy into a lie that he isn't going to TREAT YOU LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS he has dated because you are different, every girl is different and he treated them all like crap. He is just testing you because he is afraid that you won't buy into it like all the rest of them.

"Have some self respect and be smart. Don't get played. That's my soap box for today..."

 The more I thought about my frustration with this the more I began to think about my own relationships.  Am I being used by my friends or do I trust them as much as they trust me?  Do they care about me as much as I care for them?  I realized that at times I was being used.  So when I started to figure out that the real nature of the relationship was tad one-sided, I tried talking about the situation with the individual and eventually determined that I must let go.  I can trust God once again to take care of the people I love.

If I have to determine what kind of man I am going to be, I need to know what I want.  There was an interesting article a friend of mine showed me about a week ago.  It reminded me of my first kiss because it talked about how it is more attractive when women are willing to take charge and say what they want when it comes to passionate intimacy and I think that is true.  Most times women (aka my friend's wives) will remember how long it has been down to the minute since there has been a serious conversation or real date that they shared with their spouse and the man will remember the same when it comes to physical intimacy in their relationship.

If we are willing to think of our spouses before ourselves then I want a spouse who will protect the passionate intimacy of our relationship and I want to be the protector of our emotional and affectionate intimacy.  I want to never have my spouse worry about my fidelity or my devotion to her.  If there is anything I learned from my namesake, my Grandpa Glenn Collette, is that I don't need a reason to let the ones I love how much they mean to me.  I should tell them often how much I love and appreciate them.  Again, I need to show the ones that I truly love how special they are to me.

Commitment and Symbols

I am sure it was because of General Conference today but I have been thinking about my commitment to my faith.  I sadly admit that there are few things that I feel are more important but I will do less for on a daily basis and that needs to change.  I don't know when but I think I know how I went wrong.  I think Neal A. Maxwell said it best when he said, "The laughter of the world is merely loneliness pathetically trying to reassure itself."  I let myself get distracted that I forgot about the little things.  Little by little I let my feet run off with me and now I need to find my way back.

I guess I felt like I needed to focus more on my classes and with long nights and making time for my friends I slowly became lonelier and lonelier.  I was surrounded by my books, work, school, sports and leisure, and all of the things that might have brought feelings of success and progression but still there was a feeling that I was lacking.  I had forgotten to pray and to study my scriptures as I should.  My temple attendance was infrequent at best.  My commitment and priorities had been misplaced and it had begun to show.  So as I was sitting there listening to the leaders speak at conference today I could feel my testimony almost sting me as a way of saying that I knew better.  There was reason I felt alone and it had nothing to do with a relationship status or the number of friends I have or have made in the past year in this ward.

I decided to do something then that I hadn't done in what feels like a long time.  I took my CTR ring off the ring finger of my right hand and moved it to my left hand.  The last time I did that was when my ex-fiance had left back for Australia almost as a promise to the both of us what I would end up doing that future summer.  This time I am moving my ring for a different kind of promise but this time to myself.  I would keep myself pure for my future spouse and family.  This time however I have no idea when or where we will meet but I will work on the relationship I had forgotten to make those future relationships strong.  I had a friend in my Lord and Savior and although I know I strayed from his path, I also know he has never left me.  I know it doesn't mean much to some but that ring for me means a lot more.  I don't know really how to explain it but it is a symbol of my commitment and I need to change.  I need to study more, pray more, and when I move I need to go to the temple more regularly, as well as sign up for an institute class.

Even if I am to continue my life in what appears to be my current path, I no longer want to do so feeling alone.  I want to enjoy the relationships I have, I want to love the people around me, and I want purpose in my life again.  One thing is for certain though, nothing is going to get any better unless I am willing to change.

Paperman

Find You

"Find You"

by Alex G

I feel your hand close to mine
And your smile is easy to find
So I'll hide this fear
That you're not really here

And I will laugh with you
Kiss your cheek like you still want me to
And though you're near, I know
That you're not really here

So I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you

And I kept your heart
On a chain around my neck
And you swore to me "forever"
But forever fell apart

But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you

So come back to me
I've saved your promises in a box beneath my bed
Now your touch is like a memory
And your words are my souvenir

I feel your hand close to mine
But you're not really here

But I'll wait for a sign that says it's not too late
And I'll try to save the love that once was mine
And I'll find, I'll find your broken light that used to shine
And I'll find, I'll find you

Just A Feeling

"Just A Feeling"

by Maroon 5

I watched you cry
Bathed in sunlight
By the bathroom door
You said you wished you did not love me anymore

You left your flowers in the backseat of my car
The things we said and did have left permanent scars
Obsessed depressed at the same time
I can't even walk in a straight line
I've been lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine

She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there
It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have, oh yeah

Cause I can't believe that it's over

You've hit your low
You've lost control and you want me back
You may not believe me but I gave you all I had
Undress confess that you're still mine
Roll around in a bed full of tears
I'm still lying in the dark no sunshine
No sunshine
No sunshine

She cries
This is more than goodbye
When I look into your eyes
You're not even there

It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have

No I can't believe that it's over now
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have

So much to say
It's not the way she does her hair
It's the way she seems to stare right through my eyes
And in my darkest day when she refused to run away
From love she tried so hard to save

It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have

It's just a feeling
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have
Just a feeling
Just a feeling that I have

I can't believe that it's over
I can't believe that it's over
Now I can't believe that's it's over, yeah

Sometimes I Should Mind My Own Business and Sometimes...

Well, sometimes I know just what to say to just the right person.  Today I ran into a friend I had made years ago.  I still don't think I have ever asked her name.  She was just the short little brunette with the huge smile who scooped ice cream to make me shakes in the Cougareat at what was then called Sugar N' Spice.  We always caught up on how one another was doing and what was going on in our lives and then one day she stopped working there.  Well today I happened to be up in one of the engineering buildings grabbing a drink before class and I saw her venting on the phone to what seems like was a parent.

I really should have respected her privacy but some small part of me was both curious and cared to know if she was doing alright.  We were friends!  (More like acquaintances really but still...)  Anyways, it seems like she was having issues as all non-married college students do at BYU, with the opposite sex.  After catching up for a few seconds she vented to me about her (soon-to-be) ex and how he was not willing to do what he promised to in order to change and be better.  They were planning on getting married and they had picked out rings and everything but it seems like among other things he had issues with reading his scriptures daily.  Granted that is an important thing and a habit most RM's should keep from their missions but I will be the first one to admit that it is hard.  Sometimes I struggle with just remembering to say my prayers nevertheless read my scriptures.  Both things I plan to work on.  Anyways, this girl was so upset that he would not make that change and create that habit after promising to her that he would.  He had time to do so many other things but apparently that specific thing wasn't a priority to him when it was to her.  There were a few other things that she was also frustrated about, things in which they differed, but she was just at the point where she was done waiting for him (4 months of nagging) to do what he should be doing for himself.

I held my tongue until she finally asked me for my opinion.  I figured it was best to just let her say what she needed to more than it was to give advice, unless of course it was asked for.  So I told her my feelings on what I felt like was a situation that I could somewhat relate to.  First off, daily scripture study may be super important to this girl and it may be the main way in which she feels like she receives inspiration or maintains a relationship with God.  However, her feelings on this are obviously not shared by her ex.  He may have other ways that he maintains that relationship.  He may be diligent in his temple attendance or personal prayers.  While at the temple, he may use scriptures to find answers to questions he has but might not necessarily count that experience as scripture study.  There are a variety of measures of where he is at spiritually and his lack of daily scripture study is a factor but it is not the only factor.  He is probably not on his way to utter and complete apostasy quite yet.  But the key to this whole thing is the fact that these two individuals are different.

Some people look at differences as problems instead of opportunities.  If things do continue to progress then her strength in this aspect of her spirituality would complement him and he would probably be able to complement her in something else.  They are opportunities to serve and help one another by leaning on one another until we are both strong.  The other aspect that I shared with her is that if God had given her an answer to her prayers that she could be happily married to this individual, God doesn't change so what has?  If no one else in the equation changed (he or she) to no longer desire or be working towards that goal then why when things have gotten hard would you be so willing to throw in the towel instead of strengthen a future companion and a relationship?  I hope to think that we are all taught when we are young that the best decisions we can make are ones not done in a moment of passion (fear, anger, love, lust).  "Just Say NO To Drugs" is definitely not the same as this but the principle is.  I don't think it is really worth the pain to burn the bridge of a good relationship when you are upset and no longer thinking clearly because you have let your emotions run away with your reason.  Your emotions are still valid and they are just as real but wait until you can communicate them and what incited them in an open and clear discussion with the people who are most important to you before you push them right out of your life.

When we are dating during our lives, whether we are engaged, married, searching, or whatever stage we currently find ourselves in... The only kind of perfect person out there is the imperfectly perfect person for you.  There will not be someone who fits all your expectations, who is flawless and spiritual, who is gorgeous, healthy, successful, and who wants you too.  You are imperfect so if that is the kind of person you are looking for then get over yourself.  Those perfect couples you see are MADE, not found.  It is the continual clashes early or even later in a relationship that got rid of the rough edges and smoothed what were two different pieces to make what is now one complete complementary whole.  So if you are not planning on holding on during the clashes why are you committing to a relationship where that is inevitable for success?  Probably the most amazing visual I have heard recently of this kind of choice to put the relationship and your significant other before yourself or a problem the two of you are facing was this:

Intimacy in marriage is a beautiful thing.  There are differing levels from affectionate intimacy which we can see in our church buildings on Sundays as a husband scratches his wife's back as she leans into him, putting her hands in his lap, to passionate and orgasmic intimacy.  These physical signs of affection can sometimes communicate more clearly and more effectively the kind of love and commitment one has to that special someone than anything else and at times can heal that relationship better than anything else.  We all hear it is best not to go to bed angry... There is a common misunderstanding to this counsel.  This does not mean that you have to resolve the issue or continue to hash it out until some mutual conclusion is reached.  In the end, this can make you inadvertently cause your perspective to change and you will begin to see your spouse as an object that is in your way rather than a person that you hope to understand.  Your heart will be at war and you will lose a great sense of peace.  So when you feel the Spirit begin to wander a bit and your tempers or reasonings in your discussion drift from the actual issue, it may be best to take a break and resume the conversation later after letting emotions settle.  In this kind of moment imagine the courage and the silent message portrayed on both parts of a couple with issues still to be resolved, that climb into bed together and accept the gesture of having one spouse reach for the other's hand.  The simple touch can communicate the importance that spouse places on their relationship and its eternal nature and their companion and how it far outweighs any issue they could possibly be facing together.  And that is exactly what they will do.  They will face it and overcome it together.  Faith is not just a principle we exercise with God but in all our relationships.  We ought to try our best to have faith in ourselves, our loved ones, in each other, and even in humanity as a whole.

So do I really think I was some angel sent to help this girl?  No, but that is what she kept asking me if I was.  No, I am just someone like her.  I am someone who has faced opposition, who is searching for something that I can trust in, and someone who has made mistakes because I wasn't patient enough to let the situation settle.  Both sides of any story contribute to its outcome but it is hard to look for their perspective when you are still writing your side of the story.  Take the time to stop, listen, and understand.

Mutuality in Relationships

The next few thoughts are all going to be dating related.  Sometimes the thoughts will be from my experience and other times it will be from when my friends have had to talk to me about their own issues.  The problem I have with the whole thing is that you can learn from others mistakes and your own but the best recipe for success is just a good set of basic instructions.  The key to all of it is from what I can tell is mutuality.

The best part of early dating is the fact that you don't really know what the other person is thinking.  As a man, we are the ones that initiate and have to ask for the dates.  The only way that I can really tell if things are progressing is if my date is willing to make time to see me.  If she initiates conversation and contact both during the date and between dates.  It has been hard to find someone that has this kind of mutual interest and that in itself is a bit discouraging.  I have to be willing to be patient and see what happens.  I known plenty of girls I would love to date but again unless there is mutuality, I don't want to waste someone's time.  You can't create attraction or make someone else fall in love with you.  There needs to be something there.

An old friend of mine said that the thing she hates the most is to being hated by someone else.  Honestly, I can handle knowing that someone is upset with me or doesn't like me.  It drives me up the wall not knowing how someone else feels.  It frustrates me when I feel like I am being ignored.  I am not someone that you can come back to or use as a back up.  No one likes to feel that way.  The only way a relationship will work is if you decide to commit to a relationship.  Anything less is not a real relationship.  I am at a point in my life where I do not want to settle for something less.  It goes back to the way I was raised.  It is only illogical to settle for anything less than a relationship that will never end.  But that is really all that I want... Is for the person that is my best friend that I love to love me too.  We all have an innate need to want to be loved.