The Four Loves

Need-love cries to God from our poverty; Gift-love longs to serve, or even to suffer for, God; Appreciative love says: ‘We give thanks to thee for thy great glory.’ Need-love says of a woman ‘I cannot live without her’; Gift-love longs to give her happiness, comfort, protection – if possible, wealth; Appreciative loves gazes and holds its breath and is silent, rejoices that such a wonder should exist even if not for him, will not be wholly dejected by losing her, would rather have it so than never to have seen her at all.

-C.S. Lewis

What manner of man are you?

We all should if we don't already have a variety of outlets and one of mine happens to be books. I was working through a bunch of thing yesterday and I decided to take a quick break and so I broke open a book I just bought. I went to a used bookstore and picked up a couple of books by C.S. Lewis and one by John Steinbeck. I bought The Great Divorce, The Problem with Pain, Miracles, and a couple others, one of which was Of Mice and Men. So without warning I dove into Steinbeck's classic and was swallowed up in the mental imagery and beauty until the time passed away and I realized I had read the whole book, cover to cover. It was fantastic...

Steinbeck has a way with words where he can paint the situation and atmosphere for his characters so well that you feel like you are walking into with the characters themselves. But the amazing thing comes that when the characters do enter the scene, Steinbeck paints them with equal skill but as the dialogue begins and relationships develop between you and these characters, the setting fades away as it should. He gives you just enough to suck you in but only just enough so it doesn't become overflowed with unnecessary detail. Wonderful simplicity.

Everyone could connect with these characters. We have all met someone like them, whether it is woman starving for attention because her life is full of empty yesterdays and forgotten dream or the man as large and strong as an ox who wouldn't hurt a fly. The title itself is a wonderful symbol, seen throughout the book. The characters have different attributes of mice (naive to the dangers around them, weak or skittish personalities, or just trying to survive) or men (nobility and honor, the taking advantage of one another's weaknesses to assert dominance, or willingness to listen and ability to see past a person's appearance without passing judgments). The most beautiful portion of the story was the constant presence of death: the mice, the puppy, the old sheep dog, and finally Lennie himself. It was so poetic that the tool that killed the sheep dog who unknowingly and compassionately was lead to slaughter, took Lennie's life in a similar fashion.

All I have to say is that I love Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. If you have never read it, you should. It helps us see how fragile yet beautiful mortality can be. It is a beautiful gift and many live life in such a way that it can lose its value by becoming lost in the repetition and monotony that society and its needs take upon our time. It only reinforced to me how important it is to have loyalty and trust, relationships based on love, and to live one's life in pursuit of a dream. Who are you? What are your dreams? Whether we eventually reach that dream or not, we at least live a life of purpose and though we may be shooting for something that lies beyond our reach, high among the heavens, we will at least land somewhere among the stars. Are you a mouse or a man?

Is This A Good Time...?

Have you ever seen that music video by Flight of the Conchords where the two guys meet the same girl at the same time and are both interested in her? Well since recently, I keep meeting these fantastic women that I am seriously interested in, but when I go and talk to my friends about how things are going and they name off these amazing women that they have met, they happen to name off the very same women I was going to tell them about. Some guys have bad luck, others are unusually clumsy, but me... I have unusually bad timing with a strong sense of loyalty to my friends. So I have to let it run its course and whatever happens, happens. It will all work out in the end.

Looking Forward to the Sunrise

I realize that there are a few things in this world that make me really happy. I love seeing someone smile, and not just one of those weak I-am-so-exhausted-and-this-is-the-best-I-can-do smiles. There is something that is like a sunrise in the eyes that just causes someone's face to light up and every part of them beams with happiness. Grins aren't bad either. The mischievous ones almost seem to say "I see you looking at me. And ya, I know what you are thinking." But my favorite smiles are the ones that you catch in a glimpse or watch as they slowly bloom into existence on the face of a friend or even a complete stranger. Smiles are simply contagious. Laughing is contagious. Hugs are contagious. Everything that is absolutely wonderful in my biased and limited perspective on life takes two. I think this is why relationships with people are so important to me because I am happy when the people I surround myself are happy.

Still, this last week was a super long week for me. I swear that teachers honestly have the best of intentions for us but their uncanny ability to test us not just extensively on material but all at the same time... very frustrating. I swear it is like they all get together during their department meetings and discuss everything but the schedules of their syllabi. They love to discuss the content since that is always similar but the timing seems to follow that they get to the point where they are like, "Since we have gone over 8 chapters in the book, it is about time to check their understanding with this test. I figure that it is good timing because Jeff, over in the math department, he is doing that too." It just so happens that Jeff who is friends with Dan, also got his idea from Bob, who is collaborating with Robert, and you get the idea... regular course load that already is time consuming with the addition of a half dozen tests makes already busy weeks feel like you are taking a short vacation through Dante's Inferno.

When finally all of this was over, I decided it would be good to come up for air, relax a bit, and take time to recollect my thoughts. I do what I typically do and went for a walk. I feel like there is something that happens when the world sleeps that the night has this ability to soothe the emotions, relax the mind, and just open you up and allow you to see things from a better perspective. But I know it isn't good for us to be alone so I decided that I would stop by and visit a few friends I hadn't seen in a while on my way home. All I have to say is that it was a good decision. Laughter, smiles, hugs, and just honestly feelings of belonging and appreciation. These are people who love me and I love them because we really know each other and still love one another, faults and all. I hope that in the end, I will find someone who likes long walks, because life is one long roller coaster ride and I know it is just not as fun without someone else to enjoy it with. And in the words of a wise friend, "I have to go to bed, not just because I am tired, but because I know tomorrow is going to be better because it is going to be the start of a new day."

Music is what feelings sound like... (Part 3)

When I said it was a hundred percent up to her... well, for those of you who actually know me, know that I don't like to leave things like love up to chance. I am, in a complete understatement, proactive in this pursuit. I knew that I seriously ticked her off with what I had done and I knew how I felt about it, so I went ahead and told her what I told of you and apologized. She acted like nothing was wrong and almost looked shocked by what I told her. Still, she in turn apologized as well and I felt like I had at least found some closure if nothing else. Either way, her response for me was unclear. I figured that at least there was no harsh or unkind words in the end.

If there is one thing that I am though, like I said, it is proactive and persistent. I heard that her favorite band was coming into town yesterday and so I decided that I would make it special for her. Our family has traditions and one of them is that when you are invited or decide to go to a concert of someone that know, you bring them flowers and tell them what a great job they did. Nevertheless, I don't know the band and I barely have started listening to their music... they are excellent by the way. They are like a Christian alternative band meets Jack Johnson in style or format of music but I like their lyrics much better than Jack's. Sorry Jack... no disrespect.

Anyways, I thought about what I could do and I figured that without invitation, going to the concert would be a poor move, but I could try something else.I decided that I would contact the
band, and through a couple email conversations I asked if they would do me a favor and dedicate a song to a very special girl by name. I told them how I felt about her. I told them how much she loved their music, that she owned all of their albums that they had released so far, that her own lyrics and music are inspired by theirs, and just how excited she is for their concert. In the end, I think it all worked out and surprisingly, I don't even care if she ever finds out that it was me that helped orchestrate it, because this is what she said:

Got up on stage with [him]. Sang with [him]. Got pics with [him]. Smelled him. Hugged him. Got his sig. Talked music with him. Heaven. Utter Heaven.

I think no matter what, I won't want to let her go but it is time to move on. I did my job and made my mark. She doesn't talk to me anymore, but I think this is the signal that my part is in this play is over and I can bow out and find someone that hopefully will be as crazy about me as I am about her. Until then, I am sure more epic stories and epic failures are to follow.

Music is what feelings sound like... (Part 2)

Well I am glad that I am surrounded by people who really listen to me and can say just the things that I need to hear. First off, this is hopefully a lesson I have learned because it truly does suck. And it hurts. But I was impatient. I over analyzed. I realize now, which is a little late, that even though things had gone well, they also didn't turn out. I had taken such a big risk when I put myself out there because of the manner I asked her out, that when the date actually did go well, I blew it out of proportion. She really did make me forget about what I was doing, gave me butterflies just thinking about her, and when I was with her time just flew by. But in all my excitement of wanting to know when could I see her again, I made a huge mistake. I did not wait. I did not listen. I did not want to because I was selfish. Any good that I may have done in the past was pretty much canceled out by what I just have done. The thing is it is out of my control because I cannot take it back. I have always been the one to put myself out there from the beginning, and even though I definitely, and ironically, am attempting to remove my foot from my mouth, I tried. And I hope that is good enough. Though I can ask, would I take back the things that I said that got me here, if I could? All the bad ones I would give up in a second. Would I want to start over if I could? I don't know because I don't know what I would have learned or if it would ever had worked out. This one may still work out! I honestly have no clue. The only thing is that I know is if she ever finds her way here and reads this, I pray that she will try to understand. I hope she will have faith enough in me to give me another shot, whether or not I deserve one. As for now, I will still be myself whenever I see her and one thing is for certain. At this point, this really is now completely and hundred percent up to her.

Music is what feelings sound like...

For those of us that have yet to leave home, let me tell you now. College is all about making first impressions. You do it all the time! There are so many people, you are all walking the same sidewalks, breathing the same air, listen to the same lectures, so why not strike up a conversation if you already happen to be sharing pretty much everything else, ya know? It is pretty easy to make a good first impression because typically we are always trying to be our best selves, but the stakes are somewhat higher when it is a first date. It basically is incomparable! Still, I figure being at college and BYU being a social one for that, I think a lot of guys are habitual first daters... I can not deny that I am one as well. And what you say suddenly becomes truly important! If you haven't had the experience of trying to remove your foot from your mouth over the period of time you are together, the second dates are typically up to the women though you have to be man enough to ask for one.

Everyone has jitters when you meet someone new and when things go well, it makes it even that much more fun. Though sometimes, those jitters also come when things don't go all too well. I had planned out this group date idea and I thought it was fantastic. Corn maze, hay ride, buy some pumpkins so if it went well you could carve them as a second date. I was excited and I was lucky enough to ask out an absolutely beautiful stranger. Then of course, the problems come as my group started falling out. And then when I changed plans to a bike ride down to the river followed by a quick dinner at a fun hole-in-the-wall burger joint, what happens? My bike goes flat the night before. So I am scrambling around and I feel a little jittery which is slightly unusual. I am pretty confident guy on most terms, but for some reason I am getting the nerves going.

Well I go over and meet her at her place, and she is looking fantastic. It was hard for me to stay focused when I was riding my bike because I couldn't keep my eyes off her. But nevertheless, we had a blast... biking, going to a park, going for a walk down by the river, dinner, etc. Then we head back home and when we go to her apartment, we start talking again... music, family, pictures, etc. And I remember hearing that she had a guitar! Sometimes people are uneasy when it comes to performing, one of my old roommates for instance. He hated to sing in front of people. But he has an excellent voice and his musical talent on the guitar matches his voice. So I go ahead and ask her to play for me.

It really wasn't that big of a deal. She says she likes to perform but as she played, I watched her. She was so focused. Concentrating so hard. Watching every note and singing every lyric just right. It was amazing. And I won't lie, she messed up a little here and there, but that was just it... right then, she slowed down and moved right on through. I wanted to tell her to not worry about it and just keep going but to hear her sing... and to hear her play... I was pretty much mesmerized. It would be an dishonest and a complete understatement to say that I was only impressed. The thing is that I want to think that all of her focus was because she was playing for me, but she hardly knows me. And yet here I am, writing about it the night of. I guess it is that music for me is the way that you can express your dreams and feelings, all the emotions within you in such a way that it can mean everything or nothing at the same time. It is a connection and a expression of who you really are or hope to be inside... true music. Not all music, the stuff that sells and is played on the radio is that way, but people who write for themselves, I like to hope that it is that type of an outlet for them. So I guess I am trying to say is that this woman doesn't have to try so hard, she didn't have to be nervous at all, because she is honestly amazing... inside and out. But there is one last confession I will make...

And if she had said that, I totally would have...

Forgiveness Flour

When I went to the door, at the whisper of
Knocking, I saw Simeon Gartner's daughter,
Kathleen, standing there, in her shawl and her
Shame, sent to ask "Forgiveness Flour" for her
Bread. "Forgiveness Flour," we call it in our
Corner. If one has erred, one is sent to ask
For flour of his neighbors. If they loan it to
Him, that means he can stay, but if they
Refuse, he had best take himself off. I looked
At Kathleen... what a jewel of a daughter,
Though not much like her father, more's the
Pity. "I'll give you flour," I said, and went to
Measure it. Measuring was the rub. If I gave
Too much, neighbors would think I made sin
Easy, but if I gave too little, they would label
Me "close." While I stood measuring, Joel, my
Husband came in from the mill, a great bag of
Flour on his shoulder, and seeing her there,
Shrinking in the doorway, he tossed the bag at
Her feet. "Here, take all of it." And so she
Had flour enough for many loaves, while I
Stood measuring. -Anonymous