Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Me... We... You

I have always wondered what it meant to find yourself. I think I finally understand what I have to do. It wasn't about me. It was about others. When we are striving to understand who we really are, we look too much at ourselves. I found that as we lose ourselves in sacrifice and service we find love and purpose in life. We start as children thinking only of ourselves. Our needs, our wants, and no one else. Then as we grow we see that we need other people and their approval. We need them. We need their love, attention, etc. And finally, we get to the point where we don't need ourselves at all. We have reached the point that the only thing that matters to us is others and their happiness. The trick to life is practice. Receiving inspiration, selflessness, everything... it all takes practice. It takes desire, being in the right place, at the right time. But most of all I need to just simply try and try again. Eventually we learn all that we needed to. For example, the lesson I learned today was simple. God is the source of all our happiness, our joy, our blessings. What we forget is that he is the source. We begin to believe that we found joy in our blessings. God gave us the blessings. God gave us the joy. There are people out there that have the same blessings you do but they do not have joy. God is the source, not the blessing itself. We get distracted from what we have, and forget where or who it came from. It is the same with people. Love comes from the sacrifice and willingness of others. It is someone. It is not the type of person that they are, nor the ways that you express it, but the person themselves. The fact that you would do anything for them. This all comes from losing oneself. It is not about me or even we. It isn't selfish or self-full. It is learning to become selfless. If I want to find out more about me, then I need to spend a little more time loving you.

Part of the Problem

Tonight I had to say something tough to a group of girls. My sister had friends over and they needed my help with something and as I was working on it, they kept talking. These girls are young. They are at most 15 years old if not younger. One of them was talking about how awkward it was for her when her friend was making out with her boyfriend. Awkward for her? How about awkward for me! When they noticed that I had heard them, they laughed and then I asked a couple of questions trying to find out more about the situation and so they asked a couple back. I wish I could have said more…

Long story short, I told them that I had not kissed a girl until I was in college. They were dumbfounded. I said that I didn’t want to kiss someone just for fun but because I wanted it to mean something. At most, besides the long faces of utter shock, I got a fist pump from the audience. The sad thing was that there was so much more I wanted to say to them. I wanted to tell them not to give away something that they couldn’t get back. I wanted them to know how important it really is. That it isn’t just a game that we play. Every part matters. What does a kiss mean? Can someone even appreciate it when all they do is make out? What is the point? And what do you do after that loses its flavor?

I wanted to tell them that they needed to be patient. They will meet someone who truly loves them for who they are and that they shouldn’t just throw what is most precious away. For in all honesty, at this point in their life, they might think they love someone but they have to beware that they are truly being loved in return. They have to be aware that they are not just being used for someone else’s gratification. But I could not bring myself to say these things. I feel that would have been hypocritical.

What am I doing with my life?

Sometimes I just move. I don't know where to or why but I just feel like I got to go somewhere. If I knew what I was doing that would be nice too but why ask questions, ya know? I am just spontaneous with myself, even I don't know what I am doing or what my plan is. It is funny though because I find myself surprisingly comfortable with it. I try and do things but they seem to just need patience. The girl I like won't have me, yet. The job I am trying to finalize, waiting for a response. School is going to start, in August. So what do I do? Beats the heck out of me.

I figure, if I take things one step at a time and make sure that I don't make too many mistakes that I have to retrace, then by being patient now, I will get where i need to be, when I am supposed to be there. So what can I do with my life... enjoy the moment. Take it all in. Laugh more. Just have fun and work hard. Work hard, play hard. Things have worked out that way so far.

When it comes to school. I am glad the last semester is over. It was fun and I met a lot of amazing people, did well in my classes, but I am glad the stress is gone. I think that a break will be good. But since this blog is mostly for me, I think that life is amazing. When I am least expecting it and as long as I have my eyes open for it, I find opportunities for God to use me. I met the most amazing boy on the plane a couple of days ago. He was scared and excited. He was going to go check out colleges and he sure had his head on his shoulders but still he didn't know what he was doing. It was interesting to see him talk about what he wanted to major in, talk about his school, family, sports, but in all reality I could see that he didn't really know who he was or what he was doing with his life.

I know because of the restored gospel who I really am, why I am here, where I am going, and how to get there. The real important things in life have nothing to do with money, occupation, how big your house is, or how much money you make. It is who you really are and what you have become from the choices that you have made, as a person. The type of person you are is so important. I have found those things and as I explained how simple our message of Jesus Christ really is, I think I made a true influence on this boy.

He really listened. He had that light in his eyes and felt it. It is something I wish I could explain... like seeing into his eyes and watching a pile of coals slowly stir, because you see the gospel is not something new to us. It is a fire that has always burned inside us, but it is something that needs to be stoked back into life. It is something that needs to be revived. He felt my spirit and the Spirit that was with me. He accepted my invitation and I pray that he will follow through. This is not something that happens by chance. I believe that we knew in the life before this one that this would happen.

We as people are brought together and as we bump into one another along our lives, these collisions will speed us up and slow us down, sometimes pushing us off course. But then we have those moments where we again redirect ourselves. I feel like that as long as I am doing what I should and trying my best, striving to be better every day, I will be able to accomplish the Lord's will. I need more of the Lord in my life. I need to read more, pray more, and if I do just those simple things, I may finally be complete. I might find what and who I am looking for. Or maybe they will find me. I dunno really because what do I know... with what I am doing in "my life"?

Lack of Sleep

This is just one of those nights. You know the ones. The ones where you just can't seem to fall asleep no matter what you do because you just have so many thoughts in your head. It always seems to happen this time of year too. I think it is because of General Conference. The conference happens annually and semiannually, once in the beginning of April and then again in October. It is the time when the prophets and apostles come and help the world through the inspiration and guidance that they have received from God. For me it is a time to really reassess how I am doing and what I can do in the future to become better. Kind of like New Year's for most people. But in the end, I just find myself awake at night taking the time to go for a walk and just think things over.

It is funny because I don't know if I really am too much of a deep thinker as much as I am an observer. I notice a lot things in people and in the world around me. But there really isn't a lot of people out at night. It is quiet because of that; the world is sleeping all around me. The silence is beautiful. The night has the lights of the city, as I stroll through this urban forest. The river of water flows past me rolling down into the grates. My feet crunch the newly fallen snow. It is more of a dusting than anything else but it is beautiful. The small layer of white, with the lights of the city illuminating everything, reflecting off all the wet surfaces and off the clouds above. It is as almost every sound and light have become one, just as the dark and the light, the day and the night, it is peaceful but very much alive. It is funny really, if I was asleep I would miss out on all of this. It really is suprising all the things God blesses you with when you finally realize how grateful you are. Sometimes I really love having that terrible condition of having a lack of sleep.

The Blindside

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you are not supposed to question adults or your coach or your teacher. Because they make the rules. Maybe they know the best or maybe they don't.It all depends on who you come and where they come from. Didn't at least the six hundred guys think of giving up and joining with the other side. I mean... The Valley Of Death! That's pretty salty stuff.That's why courage is tricky, should you always do what others tell you to do. Sometimes you might not even know why you do something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason you do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honour and courage and that's pretty good. I think that's what the writer was saying, that you should hope for courage and try for honour and maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some too.

I'm Here... Kind of

The last couple of days... weeks actually... have been interesting. It has been ups and downs and overall, I don't know where it has taken me, looking back in hindsight. If I wrote all the things I have done recently, it would be quite a list. Whether it is finding new friends, losing and loving, falling back and moving forward, it has all been quite a journey. Still, things have come together recently as this semester is coming to an end. My grades are looking up, I won't be living under a bridge or in a cardboard box next fall, and I have learned a lot about myself. I learned that even though I go to my classes, I feel like none of that matters. The only thing I really look forward to is spending time with my family. School doesn't really matter all that much to me... the grades, the tests, the homework, etc. It feels more like a job than an obsession. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't fascinate me. People do. And I can hardly wait to go home.

Whether it is spending time with friends, family, or just spending time doing things that I can't normally do, this is when I relax. Those are the times that I finally feel alive. Camping in Zion's National Park, competing in DanceSport, hiking Mount Timpanogos, having a Serenity party, or just taking a walk by myself to get away from it all. I really have a lot to be grateful for.

You see I am only here because this is the only place I ever wanted or expected to go to school. But in all reality I am not really here. I am here but I find myself wanting to be somewhere else. Anywhere else but here. Maybe it is just the monotony of the whole thing. Maybe it is the lack of the feeling of true family... true love. True love... feeling connected to one another in such a way that you are emotionally tied to each other with something that can not be expressed in words... a comfort, a peace, a reality, loyalty, patience, sacrifice, trust, passion, and unity. If I could find that here, then maybe, just maybe I would be able to focus. Then I might be able to sleep at nights knowing that I have everything that makes me happy.

Until then I am, like I said before, here... kind of.

A Fortunate Accident

I am a believer in fate. I believe that things happen for a reason. There is choice but our choices are predictable. We grow and change and mature, but we as people are predictable. There will be certain ways that we will respond in specific situations, and as we continue to learn and grow, the more we become what we always were and what we were meant to become. "You don't have to understand. You just have to have faith." "Faith in what?" "Destiny."

I think that as we live our lives in this manner, we continue down our individual paths, intertwining with the rest of the human race and the rest of the universe. I hold to the fact that out there as our paths intersect and cross and jumble, somewhere out there is a soul like our own. We all have people whom we are able to connect with, to be happy with, but is there someone who could make us the happiest. Is there a soul mate out there that we were all meant to find? Someone who we already know and love and are but seeking. Will I recognize her when I meet her? I hope so.

Let's go do something...

Alright, what do you wanna do?

I don't care.

Alright, come on.